he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
