Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
