This is not my ceiling
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
