Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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