No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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