How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
