That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
