This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
