Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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