Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
