I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
