Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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