I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
