Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
