Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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