Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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