Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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