I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
