my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
