Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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