We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I want to be your penis for a week.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
