I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
