The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize