Cold hands, warm shart.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
