in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
