The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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