she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
