I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
