Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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