I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
