sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
