The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
