update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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