For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
