Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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