You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
