my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize