I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm getting married
To pizza
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
