Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
