I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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