My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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