Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
