I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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