it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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