That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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