tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
