I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
