For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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