I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
