its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm like, not good at living.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
