The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So apparently I’m into choking now
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize