I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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