You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize