i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
