i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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