haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
