I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
