$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
